I love you

Almost a year ago I met a fantastic man named Hazen Whitaker.  We met on PlentyofFish.com (an online dating website).  I was skeptical when I first started looking on there at the guys.  They all seemed like losers.  But then 1 day I stumbled upon a profile of a guy named Hazen.  He recently was stationed here to Camp Pendleton and was looking for someone to hang out with.  He wanted to learn to surf, enjoyed the beach, had a Harley, and  seemed like a great guy online.  So I thought I would shoot him a message letting him know I’m a local and if he wanted to hang out just let me know.

A few weeks later after talking and texting we decided to meet up at the O’side pier and head down to the Carlsbad Street fair.  I was very happy when I first saw him.  Tall, tattoos and although a Marine, he looked like a local (not the typical marine haircut). 

We decided to head down to the fair and once we got there, we just clicked.  He was very protective of me around all of the people and making sure that I was doing ok.  Needless to say after 9 hours together of exploring Carlsbad and the coast (we also decided to go to Swamis and then headed back up to Ruby’s for dinner) I thought that would be it.  When he walked me to my car he asked if he could see me the following weekend.  The following weekend was another of 8 and 9 hour days together.  We walked on the beach, talked, sang at the top of our lungs while driving, and had no cares in the world.

We spent 6 months together and honestly they were 6 wonderful months! And this was the first time ever I had been in a relationship that I had never told that person that I loved them or had that person tell me they loved me.  I wanted to many times towards the end, but I figured I’d let him tell me first (nope I’m not stubborn, I was just scared).

He decided to go back home (Colorado) for a month and go deer hunting with his dad.  It was probably the longest month since he didn’t have service up where he was hunting so I would only hear from him occasionally when he would get back to his truck and go back into town.

Finally came the day before he was getting ready to leave!  I was so excited!  I got a text from him saying “Hey baby. I’m headed to bed cause I’m coming home to you tomorrow.  I love you and can’t wait to see you!” I replied saying “Let me know when you get home, can’t wait to see you either!”  I decided I wanted to tell him in person that I loved him, but that was the last I heard from him.  I thought maybe his phone died when he got home and I know he said they had to go out to the field when he got back so I thought he was out there, but after a month and a half I started getting worried. 

I came into work one day and about 15 minutes into my day I told my friend that I was going to take the flip flops he left here (for when he rode his motorcycle out here) and his watch back out to where he worked on base.  About 10 minutes later she called me into her office and said “Is his him?” On her screen I saw a picture of Hazen and his obituary. I was in total shock!  Not him!  Anyone but him! Reading it, it said that it appeared he fell asleep at the wheel early Saturday morning, September 25th, went off the road and rolled the car.  He died on impact.  I never told him I loved him.  Why didn’t I tell him?  Why?  Why was I so stubborn?

Now I have dreams about him.  The first one was I was at a friends house and I heard a noise coming from the bedroom.  I asked what that was and my friend looked at me and said “It’s Hazen.”  I went running in there and there he was sitting on the bed with cuts and scrapes but a smile on his face.  He looked at me and I ran to him.  The dream was so real that even the tattoo on his wrist was perfect.

The second dream was last night.  I was in a mountain town and there he was walking on the side of the road.  We made eye contact and he yelled for the truck to stop.  He ran over to me flung the door opened and grabbed me and hugged me!  He told me he had been looking for me.

Why am I having these dreams?  Why must my heart and mind do this to me?  I feel so guilty for not telling him I loved him.  I love you Hazen and I am so sorry I never told you!

Rest in Peace my love

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